I think I'm back to becoming me, but I have alot more me to learn about. I've been a little depressed lately, had some fun lately, been stressed at work, had busy holidays......you know the drill.
But I am on a new mission. It started with a question. What's your first childhood memory? And with that simple question that other people answer with a moment's thought, came my realization. There are pieces of my life missing. Being a victim of some childhood abuse, I always thought it wasn't to bad. I always thought damn, there are others who have had it really bad. I had some great times. At times I lived with grandparents who spoiled the hell out of me. But my sister reminded me tonight of the time mom was crumpled laying on the floor, strangled to a point where we thought she was dead. I reminded my sister that it was me who called the cops the night her dad showed up with a gun at our mom's new boyfriend's house. My sister reminded me we left mom's fourth hubby in Montana when we went there to visit once (damn, I wish I could remember what the jerkass did. I can't believe Mom would just leave him there. More power to that woman!!!). And we talked about how times have changed in the last twenty to thirty years. And we talked about other things that maybe one day will find themselves onto pages to be shared to help others. But that's not important. What's important is this want to understand me. Not to blame others. I understand them. I understand my mom--who she was, why she did some of the things she did. Love is not always easy to understand. I think my mission is more to understand the unconscious mechanisms I put in place to protect myself. I feel like I'm starting this journey a little late in life, but what the heck.
I think I am realizing that I have some patterns I'd like to change..........I'm not sure I can. But they are patterns that I think have stopped me from having the relationship with a lifelong partner that I have always envisioned. I do things to drive those people away from me at times. I guess being aware of our actions is the first step in changing our behaviors. I might just need a good therapist :-) At any rate, we all have our pasts which have helped to shape our today's and our views of family, love and life.
Spent a wonderful night in Portland with my guy (can one believe he still doesn't have a blog name???) this weekend and I am just back to reality today. Going to meet one of my sisters for a movie and then hopefully, I'll think of something creative or different to cook. Anything to keep me away from the vacuuming which beckons.
So my two wonderful blog friends, share your first childhood memory on my blog...................
Thursday, January 17, 2008
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3 comments:
as you said:
"I guess being aware of our actions is the first step in changing our behaviors."
This is one of the truest statements.... what one has lived thru, endured, overcome, will ultimetely shape who they become.. but it's what you do with the leasons learned along the way, and how you move forward in life...
From the sounds of it, you had a rough start.. yet.. your still a productive member of society.. you raised beautiful children... basically by yourself.. you didnt choose the road that could of been so much easier.. you endured.. you over came... be proud of that!
Ok.. anyhow..
My earliest childhood memory.. I was about 3... we had just moved from Arizona to Washington.. the family was in the new house.. and we were playing hide & seek.. boxes everywhere...
my Dad placed me inside a large garment box... and I curled down into it.. and promptly fell asleep.. my Dad forgot about me, and then I think it was a few hrs later when my Mom asked where I was.. and they went on a seek & find.. when Dad finally remembered......
Could that have some bearing on why I dont trust men????
I can relate to your depresion as well as your journey of self-discovery.
As for my 1st memory... Mine is pretty boring and lame. I was 3 years old at my 3rs b-day party. The other kids had cone-shaped party hats on while my party hat was shaped like a crown. I was mad because I wanted to look like everybody else and have a cone-shaped hat, but I didn't say anything.
The next day, I saw my grandfather coming up the driveway. My mom greeted him with, "Hey Eddie!" He responded.
I waved at him and said, "Hey Eddie!" mimicking my mom.
My mom scolded me with, "Don't call him Eddie! Call him grandpa!"
I wavesd and said, "Hey Grandpa!" but inside i was thinking, "What the fuck ever! Get over yourselves!"
Ironic... my 1st memories come with my the 1st record of my internal dialogue.
My earliest memory is around 3 years of age and of being in my godmother's kitchen with her and my mother and being very distressed at the smell of burning meat. (My godmother was a terrible cook). I remember running out the back door crying and begging my mother to take me home or at least somewhere better for lunch! To this day, I still have a very sensitive sense of smell and am very particular about how my food is cooked!
Remembering this also caused other memories to come bubbling up which I'm not ready to look at. Don't know if I ever will be.
All the best on your journey, April.
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