April's Destiny

Wow, I was able to log on

2010-12-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

Looks like it's been more than two years since I've blogged on this site.
It will be interesting to read some old stuff.

I'll think about resuming writing on here. Might be therapeutic for me.
But for now, are any of you still out there?

Turkey

2008-11-29T12:28:00.001-08:00

The turkey was exceptional...................

Twisted Minds.....

2008-11-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

Someone at work today asked me if "I'm doing the turkey tomorrow." I couldn't help myself. I started into giggles.

I have to wonder, would my fellar be offended being referred to as "The Turkey?" Does my co-worker think I have a twisted mind?

Just saying hello

2008-11-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

Life has been so full lately that I find little time to venture into blogland. I've moved back up north to be closer to the kids and the granddaughter who should be pleasuring us with her arrival this week. Moving took alot out of me, and I've signed a year lease but I want to look for something to buy. But who knows with the way the economy is.......

My daughter turns 18 on Monday, granddaughter is due by Tuesday (they might induce labor this Thursday) and I've been coping with my step-brother committing suicide this week. I'll probably write later more on all those subjects, just to get it out of my system. But not today. Today is simply for the mind to be blank.

Where Am I?

2008-08-23T08:40:00.001-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written. I haven't been in the mood to write, to be honest. My thoughts seem so personal, so down, so empty.

But hey, here I am because when I need advice who better to turn to then my kinky bloggers (we'll get to this a little later)?

My son is now married and grandbaby will be here in 3 months or less. Me, a Grandma. Doesn't seem possible yet it is reality. I'm excited to meet the little squirt........

My daughter who is almost 18 has decided to live with her brother and finish high school where we used to live. More friends up there. But this puts my life in turmoil. In one week, I will be all alone with my dog and two cats. They're worse than kids. This means I need to come home every night. My lifestyle no longer has room for a dog. But how in the world would I sleep without him (no, this is not the kinky part where I need your help)? I wish I knew someone that wanted him, where I could visit him and know that he was happy. Someone very close to me told me they can't understand why I don't want to live alone and was I afraid of being alone. The comment bothered me. I am fine alone. I am strong, independent. But weren't we meant to be melded with a life partner, to find another to find compatibility with so that we could bring laughter together? Really, how often do you laugh when you are all by yourself? Laughter happens more with others. And I want a life filled with laughter. Why is that so hard to understand? I think I need to make more friends. To develop more interests.

Now for the kinky part............let's see what you bloggers are made of. My guy is very creative in, uh, well, you know. Surprises me with spontaneity, brings me on rides to the moon where I can hear the angels sing. I feel boring. And maybe it's related to being menopausal and not feeling as sexual as in the past. Mom tells me to make sure I keep using it because the last thing you want is to loose it. Anyway, Mom gives me lots of weird advice and that could be a blog in and of itself. Advice from mom................. So anyway, let's hear your advice. Your kink. What ideas do you have to help me rock his world? Remember now, it can't be just normal.........creative stuff. Out of this universe, why didn't I think of that stuff. I hope someone still reads this so I can get some great ideas :-)

Ok, So I'll Play this Time...........

2008-05-24T12:33:00.001-07:00

I can't be near as humorous as the rest of you, so here's my response to the Wednesday Weirdness.................

1. What is the worst part about going down on the opposite sex? There's no worse part, as long as my guy is enjoying it then so am I. And the best part is waiting for my turn :-)

2. What is something you want more of in your current relationship? (Or if you're not in one, something you wanted more of in your previous relationship.) Definitely, simply, just more time with him. I wuv him.

3. What is something you want less of in your current relationship? (Or if you're not in one, something you wanted more of in your previous relationship.) Doubt, mistrust

4. Have you ever had a sex dream that involved a cartoon or fictional character in it? Most of my sex dream partners are faceless, but I feel reasonably certain they weren't Batman or Elmer Fudd.

5. Have you ever fantasized about a significant other's parent? Nopers, can't say as I have.

6. Where is the most public place you've ever masturbated? The restroom at work, the car--oh my wait.......it was the LAX Terminal. That was a turn-on. I had help though. Does that count?

7a. GIRLS: If a guy expressed his desire to wear a pair of your panties, what would your reaction be? I would probably think he was nuts and I'd be a little embarrassed. But I suppose if he insisted I would just get the camera out.

8. How much is "too much" when it comes to Public Displays of Affection? It's circumstanial. If it makes others around you uncomfortable, it's to much. If they're cheering you on, it's not enough.

Have you ever wondered?????????

2008-05-03T00:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered how you'd be portrayed in the media if something were to happen to you? What little tidbit of your life would become the piece of information that people would use to define you? Would they target in on some of my erotic writings and label me a freak or would my volunteer work with children catch their eye and they'd paint me as a saint?

It's sad how people look for and gravitate towards the eccentric part, the part that so often does not define who a person is or does not reflect their values, their passion, their fire.

Such is life................

The Feet of the Homeless

2008-04-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

It was over two weeks ago that Spring came to our State. We saw snow that covered our decks, colorless M&M's fell from the sky. We saw rain that drenched us through and through. And since the day that Spring first came, my sister has lived on the streets. My sister without any shoes. Walking on pavement frozen in moments, clothes that cling and can only hold in the cold. I can only imagine the sweet nothings that meth whispered to her that brought her back to him. The lies he told of untold highs, never mention of the lows. Come to me and all will be fine he so finely told her gentle ear.

She has called me a time or two. I offered to pick her up. She cried, "Oh would you, she pleaded?" "Of course," I replied, "and bring you to some help." "Oh Fuck that" she shouted into the phone, the cries, the sister I know gone so quickly.

And yet she appears yesterday and I'm called to help. I envision the scene as I know the police will be called. But instead I hug her, and say let's get some help. Into the truck she climbs, laughing and happy. I think surely her feet must be cold in those socks dreaden in mud.

My son and I take her to the hospital. Unsure what we'll do if they won't keep her. My heart is already breaking. How can I leave her if they won't help her? How can I send her back to the streets and to the meth that lies and softly whispers her name? We spend hours at the hospital and I watch her as she becomes several different people. One moment the loving sister who looks at me so vulnerable, pleading with me with eyes that ask me......no, they beg me......to take care of her. The next moment she's yelling to Shut that Baby up. The parents behind the thin curtain, what must they be thinking? And the whole time, I find myself glancing at her feet. The toes that look like that they have been frostbitten. The sores, the torn skin that adorn the top of her feet. And still I love her.

With relief, I leave the hospital to go home for a couple hours sleep before I head to work. Thankful that they'll keep her overnight. My heart almost feels lighter, yet it feels so laden with lead. I lay in bed. I pray. I don't pray often enough I think to myself. And then only when it is extreme. Just to be safe, I first tell God how thankful I am for all the wonderful things and people in my life. Cautiously, I throw my problems to God. Is it to much to ask that she be normal? Can he take back the sins of those who hurt my sister when she was little? Of those that made it necessary for her to have to hide within herself? Who could she have been? Is it to late to pray for that, I wonder? It's to much I tell myself. Ask that the meth stop whispering, that it's soft song be carried through the wind away from all it harms. Ask the mental illness to bury itself, to never be seen. And finally, I decide to simply ask the devil to leave her. And I pray an angel will be there to fill that spot left behind, to carry her tears to the heavens, to wrap her in angel wings. That is my prayer. And I send this asking each of you to say my prayer with me tonight. For my sister. The one who is in there. The one we all love. She is a mother, a sister, a friend, a lover. We want her back. And for myself, I simply pray I can forget the haunt of the feet of the homeless.

Notes from the Heart to My Son and Future Daughter-in-law

2008-03-29T07:50:00.001-07:00

You are embarking down a path that millions before you have walked. Some have walked it with ease, some with pain, some with love, some with fear. Some have walked it with every emotion every step of the way. But I have seen each of your strengths and know beyond a doubt that you can walk this path side by side, grow from it, and experience a love of life that is beyond simple words.

Being unprepared for a baby financially is a scary thing. There are no simple answers. But luckily for the world, babies aren't raised strong and loved by being fed material wants. They grow strong from the loving arms that wrap around them, from their mother's milk warm within their tummy. They become fantastic and exceed beyond doubt because they had parents that encouraged them, that were there for them. All gifts you each possess to give as you walk down the path.

And the first step begins with your love and respect for each other. It is remembering that in a good relationship you each make the other feel good about theirselves. You encourage each other without belittling each other. You succeed together, what one accomplishes the other accomplishes as well. It's about respecting each other, about not letting the other worry about where you are or what you are doing. It is about trusting without a doubt. It is about always making the other look like God to the outside world, no matter what minor troubles you are working out between yourselves. Remember words can be forgiven but they can never be taken back so make sure your words are always spoken with love. Never curse the other, never tell one to shut up, if you hurt simply say baby I am hurt. Honesty and words spoken from the heart can convey more than words spoken in anger.

Give your troubles away and enjoy the time to come. You have more going for each of you than you know, including family that will be there, that will hold your hands if needed if you waiver from your path. Believe in life's plan and know that everything will be joyous. If you expect the bad, the bad will surely find you. Find the joy in your legs that will allow you to walk your path, find your wealth in your smiles and the laughter that will fill your home. It goes without saying that you will want to provide for your child, but trust that if you send the worries away and simply be the best that you can be, it will come naturally. Without worry, without stress. Believe in the plan and the gifts that are soon to be yours.

I remember holding my son in my arms for the first time, and realizing what a huge responsibility I had to provide for him. To ensure he had the things that surely he deserved in life. I doubt he remembers my struggles to buy him new school clothes, that it was years and years before he ever saw Disneyland. But if you ask him, I hope he does remember and know that I was always there for him. That his tummy was never hungry. That he never had to doubt if I loved him, if I would be there. I hope he knows how much those hugs and I love you Mom's filled my heart and made the world the sky and his kisses the stars.

Surround each other and your baby with people who can influence, who laugh, who believe in the natural high of the universe. Surround each other and your baby with people who have kind hearts, who make smart choices for their family. Let your baby learn from their examples coupled with the love and examples you demonstrate in your every day life.

There's no going back. Life is here. And trust me, it is the greatest walk of all.

I'm Gonna Be a Grandma............

2008-03-22T11:36:00.001-07:00

Welp, accidents happen, eh?
My son called me a week ago to let me know that I will be a Grandma in November. Actually, they're not at all financially preprared for this joy about to come their way but I've offered for them to live with me until baby is 3 months old to try and get their feet on the ground.
My son is actually really excited. I haven't seen him like this before. I hope it lasts a lifetime for him, to always look at and think of his child with love.

And in the midst of it, my daughter wants to go to WSU which is only like 15 months away. It's like $22K a year. So, we're applying madly for scholarships and I'm desperately trying to figure out my finances and how we make it all happen. I need to demand more help and self-responsibility from these kids though. These are not my choices, yet as a mom I want to help and let them experience and go places I never had the opportunity to do.

What's another name for Grandma?

March 12, 1921

2008-03-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

My grandma would have been 87 today. Most special person in my life and I miss her every day. I can't even remember how long she's been gone. I suppose physically it's been 4 years, but I really lost her long before that. She suffered through altzheimer's for many years, much too young. Such an intelligent woman, loosing her memory of those she loved. I remember once when she was in the nursing home and she looked at me with those piercing green eyes and said "I don't know who you are, but I sure do like you." Those words, from the woman who raised me, who taught me, who loved me.

Those words from a woman who was before her time. Who stood for women's rights before they were women's rights. I remember her sending me to school in the below zero weather in pants in a day when girls were not allowed to wear pants. And the school spending minute after minute trying to determine if my shirt was long enough that I could take my pants off or if they had to find a way for me to get home. This didn't happen once or twice, but several times. I wonder why I kept on going to school in those pants?

I had used her last name for as long as I could remember, and I remember that day in kindergarten when for roll call a stranger's name was called. Same first name......another April in my class I pondered? Finally I realized that stranger was me. And my Grandma's response was to stand firm that I would use the last name that I had choosen, regardless of it's legality. The report cards, they still showed that stranger's name but I never heard it whispered out loud again.

I miss her. I'm not sure she really ever knew the real me. But I know she knew how much I loved her, how much I respected her. And I know how she loved me. So today, on this anniversary of her birth, I just want to remind her that I still love every day. Happy Birthday Grandma.

God Couldn't Have Been a Woman........

2008-03-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am living proof that God is, in fact, a man. There is no way on this earth a female would subject her likeness to the roller-coaster of emotions that go with menopause. I've been upbeat my whole life, and the last few days, I find myself getting tears in my eyes. I'm not really sad, am I? Surely that one lone whisker on my chin has not subjected me to tears, or has it????? I have to watch upbeat movies right now, the others bring me down even further.

I find myself lonely with my son gone. I never realized that I would miss him. At first I liked the cupboards full of food, the house staying clean. But now it has an emptiness. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I want him to venture out and become a man. I just never realized how much I would miss him. But in his moving out, it has also become apparent to me how close the three of us are. How much him and his sister love each other. How much I love them both. How there are some things I did right in raising them, and how there are some things I wish I could go back in time and redo. I love taking credit for the good, blaming the ex for the bad............. I'm kidding, kinda.

My daughter is still a delight. But she is spending more time alone in her room. This is leaving me in this big, empty house with nothing to do but watch my dog chase his tail. That or sit at the computer and play endless game after game of mahjong or hope that my fellow bloggers will post something that will bring a laugh from deep within my belly.

I have even toyed with the idea of needing a roommate (nooo, silly. Not that kind of roommate. I still have my love of my life). No, a roommate just to, well, hell, I don't know. To make some noise in the house or something? To mow the lawn?

Then I toy with the idea of really downsizing for my daughter and myself. Find some small little place which leaves me with more money at the end of each month. Maybe college for her wouldn't seem so far out of reach then.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the first nor I will be the last to wander through this vast array of emotions and to ponder why God couldn't have been a woman and saved me from this rollercoaster. Just send laughs :-)

Winter into Spring.........New Chapters in Life

2008-02-23T16:56:00.001-08:00

I guess my son moved out, and what an odd feeling it is after nearly 23 years. I'm happy for him, it was beyond time. He's been working up north for the last couple of weeks and is now moving in with some friends so he won't have this commute. The house seems quiet without him, the carpet looks cleaner and the fridge seems fuller. That leaves just my daughter and myself and I guess we'll need to take a look at our life and figure out where and how we see ourselves for the next year or so. We'd love a condo and to get rid of yardwork, but the darn dog constrains us.

I spent a wonderful week with my guy..........yeppers, pertiner a full week. I'm not sure what came over him but I enjoyed having him around. I forget sometimes how long it has been that I've lived by myself. Sometimes it seems just like yesterday I was miserably living with my ex. Time sure does fly these days. I'm enjoying bits and pieces of my new found freedom with my daughter on the road to being 18 this year. Did I mention the darn dog though? It means I gotta come home at night. I gotta come home for my daughter as well, but geesh, she does spend the night with girliefriends now and then.

Does anyone know how long it takes to dissolve a bar of soap in water? Don't ask me why, please don't ask. Let's just say I'm tired of running upstairs to use the potty when I'm downstairs.......

Nothing to say.............

2008-02-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

other than life is wonderful and have been having some great times.

I'll try and find something creative to write about but for now, just hi :-)

Message to the Bizza

2008-01-31T19:12:00.000-08:00

Hey Dude, where's my book?????????
I need some entertainment and reading material, ya know?

TMI Tuesday

2008-01-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the Bizza does the TMI's so I guess I will too............but his answers always seem entertaining. Mine seem, well, let's face it. Just boring. That being said, here we go......

1. Would you stay in a relationship with an physically unfaithful partner?
I don't love very easily, and to be honest, in my whole life I have only loved one man. I will love him through thick and thin. I also love myself and will love myself through thick and thin. Staying in a relationship can be hard for me--I have tendencies to want to run. But if I knew he still loved me, still wanted me then I would work through the issues provided I could do so and be true to the love of myself. I guess that means in simple terms that I would work through it but I would not allow myself to continually be hurt over and over again. And I would work hard on learning to trust him again and look for him to be working with me. And of course, sex has nothing to do with love. If he was in love with her and physically unfaithful, I'd probably need to take a walk. I could never share his heart. His body, perhaps. But not his heart.

2. Would you stay in a relationship with an emotionally unfaithful partner?
Oh hell no.................
Seriously, we'd have to have a conversation and find out whether I had been available emotionally and why he strayed for emotional support. It would depend on the depth of the emotional unfaithfulness. I can't be his everything, although I wish I could be. There may be areas where I can't give him the emotional support he needs in a certain area. But if he was out there giving his heart to another and becoming emotionally attached, I wouldn't be able to handle that............... I want to take his heart. And I want to give him mine.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how important is the recognition of birthdays to you (your's, a friend's, a partner's)?
I think it's pretty important, let's go with an 8. But if I need to remind you, then the importance of your remembering it is a 0. Zelch. Nada.

4. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?
I'm gonna have to say they curl downward. But what amazes me more than the toes curling, is how beautiful the angels sound in chorus.

5. Every one has a pet peeve, tell me one of yours.
Judging others based on matters that don't really matter, like materialistic things. Not accepting people for who they area. Pretense.

Bonus (as in optional):Name someone famous who you have no sexual interest in but would have sex with just to brag about it?
Oh geesh, what's that ugly porn star's name? Oh yeah, Ron Jeremy........................ Nope, never mind. Changed my mind. Just had a mental image there.

It's snowing, it's snowing..........

2008-01-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

My dog absolutely loves it. He's what I refer to as a special dog. Most nights we entertain ourselves here by watching him chase his tail and sit and look at lights. If he comes across a flashlight, he'll eat the darn thing. But for tonight, he's simply content sliding around the back deck like Bambi and catching snowballs in his mouth. Life doesn't get much better!!

Journeys..............

2008-01-26T09:59:00.001-08:00

The journey is going great. I've done so much thinking and things are changing inside of me. I feel really great and content--at the moment anyways!! And I am fortunate because I shared with my love some things I was needing and what a sweetheart he is. Delivering everything I asked for and so much more. And I recognized in myself that I also needed to be more giving, more loving and I am trying to give more as well. It's amazing what happens when both are doing that. Sometimes we just take what we have for granted.

I loved reading everyone's first childhood memory. Thank you for sharing. It's funny how it shows an insight to who people are. Sometimes it's hard to believe that child is you. At least to me, that girl who comes to my mind now and then seems like someone else, another time, another life. It's strange how our mind works and how some people remember little things, how other people don't. At times life is racing, I find myself looking at my kids and finding it hard to believe they are all grown up. At other times, I look back and it's like watching a movie backwards in slow motion--it all seems so long ago. I wish I had started a dairy back when I was a kid and had kept it up. It would be interesting to look back and see what I was thinking when I made some of the choices that I made. I suppose it's never to late and I could start one now. Wow, could you imagine your kids ever reading something like that after you're gone? I wonder if I would shock them with some of the things I've done, some of the thoughts I've had?

At any rate, I have nothing to write about so I guess I better go steal some TMI off someone's blogs and see what I come up with .....................

Life...........

2008-01-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

I think I'm back to becoming me, but I have alot more me to learn about. I've been a little depressed lately, had some fun lately, been stressed at work, had busy holidays......you know the drill.

But I am on a new mission. It started with a question. What's your first childhood memory? And with that simple question that other people answer with a moment's thought, came my realization. There are pieces of my life missing. Being a victim of some childhood abuse, I always thought it wasn't to bad. I always thought damn, there are others who have had it really bad. I had some great times. At times I lived with grandparents who spoiled the hell out of me. But my sister reminded me tonight of the time mom was crumpled laying on the floor, strangled to a point where we thought she was dead. I reminded my sister that it was me who called the cops the night her dad showed up with a gun at our mom's new boyfriend's house. My sister reminded me we left mom's fourth hubby in Montana when we went there to visit once (damn, I wish I could remember what the jerkass did. I can't believe Mom would just leave him there. More power to that woman!!!). And we talked about how times have changed in the last twenty to thirty years. And we talked about other things that maybe one day will find themselves onto pages to be shared to help others. But that's not important. What's important is this want to understand me. Not to blame others. I understand them. I understand my mom--who she was, why she did some of the things she did. Love is not always easy to understand. I think my mission is more to understand the unconscious mechanisms I put in place to protect myself. I feel like I'm starting this journey a little late in life, but what the heck.

I think I am realizing that I have some patterns I'd like to change..........I'm not sure I can. But they are patterns that I think have stopped me from having the relationship with a lifelong partner that I have always envisioned. I do things to drive those people away from me at times. I guess being aware of our actions is the first step in changing our behaviors. I might just need a good therapist :-) At any rate, we all have our pasts which have helped to shape our today's and our views of family, love and life.

Spent a wonderful night in Portland with my guy (can one believe he still doesn't have a blog name???) this weekend and I am just back to reality today. Going to meet one of my sisters for a movie and then hopefully, I'll think of something creative or different to cook. Anything to keep me away from the vacuuming which beckons.

So my two wonderful blog friends, share your first childhood memory on my blog...................

Being Tagged.....

2008-01-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

So http://inevitabletruth.blogspot.com/ tagged me and it dawns on me, I don't even know how to link :-) And I'm copying the rules from his blog too.

Here's how it's supposed to work: Link to the person that tagged you, post the rules on your blog. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs (this is pushing it....links to their blogs now too????). I don't even have seven bloggers that I'm aware of....... Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I need a lift today so seven random or weird thoughts about myself--here we come. Who thinks of this stuff? Better yet, who cares about this stuff?

1) I have a wild girl who lives inside of me. She's gone by different names throughout my life......everything from Wild Child to Sally. She came out last Saturday night. I don't feel good about me. That's all I'm gonna say.

2) I know that a whale's penis is called a dork.

3) I smother my son. He's a mama's boy. I'm working on being better......trying to let him be a man. It's hard for me. But I love the closeness between both my kids and me so it isn't negative.

4) I met my ex-hubby when I had to much to drink and winked at his buddy. He caught the wink instead. Biggest wink mistake of my life.

5) Sharks can change their sex. A male one day, the next a female.

6) I want to run away. I don't want to face anything. I just want to lay on the beaches on the Caribbean and forget everything stupid I have ever done.

7) Sometimes death scares me, sometimes life scares me. Sometimes life is one hell of a fun journey. I spend to much time philosophying and thinking instead of letting life happen. I get impatient. I want it now.

Ok..........so, seven bloggers to tag? Let me see who I can find out there in internet blog heaven....